I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again. (Stephen Grellet)
Somehow, the clock seems louder during final exams...
The bell rings...
During family gatherings in the last several years, we would talk about relatives who had passed before us. We would light-heartedly joke about the analogy: If God says, pass your papers, finished or not finished, you have to pass your papers.
With left and right news of family illness, I found myself in denial one day and grief-stricken the next. All I can ever hear these days is that loud clock, ticking away...
Tick... tock...
I closed the door and broke down in tears. Edison, my quiet strength as he has always been, just hugged me and let me cry for as long as I wanted. Amidst the tears, I was making a mental checklist:
I prayed to God like I've never prayed before. Whereas I always lifted everything up and surrendered all to His will, I found myself negotiating like Jesus Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane: "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matthew 26:29)
But I guess old habits are hard to break. As I droned in and out of a state of consciousness, my soul finally rested with what I knew best:
God, grant me serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.
On January 3 2007, the specialist took a biopsy of the lump. He asked me to come back in a week for the results, explaining that it could either be a tumor or a cyst. I was numb at that point. I found comfort in a bag of Hershey's Kisses though.
Did I want to come back in a week and get the results? Whatever the results were, they would definitely affect me during our family trip to Disneyland for Edward's 5th Birthday.
I decided to see the specialist on January 10th. I figured, if the results were good, then my happiness at the trip will be multiplied with praise and thanksgiving! If it were bad news, then I would fight this thing by having a blast with my family - even but for the last time...
The specialist explained, "A tumor could either be benign or malignant."
Fireworks!
It’s a world of hopes, it’s a world of fear
There’s so much that we share
That it’s time we’re aware...
It's a Small World, here I come!
I almost cried.
But then I remembered that I was in the presence of someone who wasn't aware that crying for me has been as natural as perspiring. So I had to snap out of it and listened to the recommendations: either get an operation to remove the tumor or leave it alone.
I would decide later on. First, I had to gather round my troops and celebrate at Disneyland! That trip with Edison and the kids, together with both sides of our family was one of the most joyful, unforgettable experiences of my life! Disneyland is truly the happiest place on earth!
Back in the real world, I decided to go into an outpatient procedure on March 23, 2007 to take the tumor out. Being surrounded by family and friends after the procedure was such a blessing! I couldn't praise and thank enough our Lord Almighty, the Great Physician!
The follow-up mammogram taken by the end of the year confirmed that I did not have cancer. Since then, the hospital has been very diligent about sending me reminders to get my annual mammogram. And I have been an excellent patient, coming in for check-ups.
In light of our recent family revelations, I can honestly say that I can relate to my sick family members, to mothers who are battling breast cancer, to military families… Yes, I may have overreacted a little too prematurely – worrying way too much about nothing, really. Nothing compared to what they may actually be going through right now. But the loud clock ticking away… the endless list of worries… the sly trap of helplessness and hopelessness… all of that, I can relate to.
If Robert Fulghum was right, that all we really needed to know we learned in Kindergarten, then I would have to add another lesson to his list. Buried deep in one of those happy songs that we've learned as children, lies a golden nugget of truth and wisdom:
Life is but a dream.
Man is like to vanity, his days are as a shadow that passeth away. (Psalm 144:4)
Life is but a dream.
Life is a temporary assignment... To make the best use of your life, you must never forget two truths: First, compared with eternity, life is extremely brief. Second, earth is only a temporary residence... Christians should carry spiritual green cards to remind us that our citizenship is in heaven. (Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life)
My parents were right. I should "live each day as though it were the last." As a child, I never quite understood what they meant by that. But now I know that everyday should be designed in preparation for eternity: Any good that I can do or any kindness I can show, let me do it now... for I shall not pass this way again.
To Edward and Alison: Let me pass along that important lesson from Nono and Nona - Live each day as though it were your last! I will love you for all eternity. Refer to the book that I always read to you both around Christmas time, Max Lucado's "Just In Case You Ever Wonder" as one of my love letters to you:
And God wants to make sure you know about heaven.
It’s a wonderful place.
There are no tears there.
No monsters.
No mean people.
You never have to say “good-bye,”
or “good night,”
or “I’m hungry.”
You never get cold or sick or afraid.
In heaven you are so close to God that He will
hug you, just like I hug you. It’s going to be
wonderful. I will be there, too. I promise.
We will be there together, forever.
Remember that…
Just in case you ever wonder.
Dear Lord, Thank You for the gift of life that has allowed me to experience Your great love. Thank You for your everlasting love, mirrored through the love I share with my family and friends. Most of all, thank You for that yearning deep inside me, my immense longing for You, as it always reminds me that the best is yet to come... Amen.
1 comment:
Beautiful post, Aud.
Inspiring faith.
Great grace.
I am praising Kuya with you.
PS I missed reading your blogs.
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